Best EULA ever

Finally a license agreement that’s worth reading in full (thanks to Industrial Technology and Witchcraft – look in the comments):

License Agreement

By reading this comment, you agree to sell your first-born to Bil Simser of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, Earth and you agree not to quack like a duck while reading this comment. If it is discovered that you have quacked like a duck during the reading of this comment at any time, I reserve the right to sue you for damages. Damages, in this case, may be interpeted as all your money, your clothes, any first born children, your eternal salvation if you believe in such a thing, and anything else I can get away with.
You may not make illegal copies of this comment. Illegality of copies is determined by the laws of Estonia-on-Avon, a small principality covering approximately one half acre somewhere in Southern Alberta. A copy of these laws may be obtained by visiting Estonia-on-Avon, and asking Prince Bil to write down a copy for you. Punishment for illegal copies will also be left up to the Prince. You may not reverse engineer this software to attempt to discover the source code for use in your own products. If you wish to make modifications of this product, please contact me for further info. Infractions of this clause will lead to visit by a large man named Guido at late hours of the night.
This comment must be destroyed within 30 minutes of reading under full penalty of International law. You will be held responsible if this comment is not removed at the end of the appropriate time period. This agreement is not applicable in the states of New Jersey, Maryland, and Delerium or anywhere on the planet Earth.
This software is intended for individual use and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this software is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.
Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or no grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals (especially moose) were harmed in the making of this software, although the cat next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft.
However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this software in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
Are you still reading this? Don’t worry, I said this agreement is not applicable anywhere on the planet Earth so unless you’re installing it from the International Space Station, there’s nothing to get your pantyhose in a knot about. I will not be coming to your house and taking your children, however, if you have a daughter of legal age and pretty cute to boot then we should talk.
blueprint, and all its components and related programs, is free software but copyright 1999-2002 by Bil Simser. All rights reserved worldwide, so there. It is a labor of love by me. You are hereby entitled to use, mangle, obfuscate, and generally make use of the program as you see fit. You may NOT re-distribute or otherwise deploy this software as part of a compilation CD for profit without the express written consent of me.
No guarantees whatsoever are inferred. If blueprint doesn’t work: tough. If you lose a million bucks because blueprint messes up, it’s you that’s out the million, not me. If blueprint impregnates your cat, too bad. If you don’t like this disclaimer: tough. I reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided by law, up to and including nothing. You may decline this agreement by going somewhere else and forgetting you ever were here. By using this software, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the this agreement that nobody ever reads anyway, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Moose people and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as I shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s underwear drawer if I feel like it, raid your icebox, swim in your pool, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn’s early light, finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you’ve been a great crowd, and don’t forget to tip your servers.
Violations of this license will be punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or all three.
blueprint is designed, written and pretty much completely owned by me, Bil Simser, keeper of the sacred crown holy crown of cheese.
All Your Sims are Belong to Us.